What A Difference A Year Makes

One year ago today we went to our OB for a follow-up appointment. We were excited to see the baby and hear the heartbeat again. As the doctor and I chatted about my queasiness, the baby's image flashed on the screen. But there was no movement, no heartbeat or fetal blood flow. A second doctor came and reached the same result. Then the walls came crashing around us - we were told that our baby was no longer living. The heartbreak was unbearable.

And so one of the longest journey of my life started. Unbearable heartache, constant questions and rivers of tears caused me to dig deep within myself just to survive. Steve was my rock - an amazing source of strength when he was also grieving. Close friends provided entertainment for Julia, prayers and meals. Did they help? Tremendously. Did they fill the void? No. Only time was able to do that.

As I started to leave the comfort of my house in the following weeks; I would be reduced to tears when I saw a baby, pregnant woman or a box of diapers. I worked thru the 'stages of grief' and tried not to blame myself. That was so much easier to say then to actually do. I also became keenly aware of the things in my life that shouldn't be there. I purged, I cried, I surrounded myself with those who I love and who really love me...and I became a stronger person.

On November 14 we took a pregnancy test (two, actually) and received a positive result. Of course I was excited but I was also terrified. But I trust in God that what was meant to be, would be. As I said before, this baby has the best guardian angel - ever.

It's a year later and we're at week 15 of our pregnancy. Everything is going well, but I'm still cautious. And I'm also aware that I may be the cause of another woman's heartache because I am expecting something that she either lost or cannot have. It's a strange tightrope to walk on. But God doesn't give us what we can't handle, right?

On a side note - if this ever happens to someone you know and you don't know what to say, it's okay. Sometimes the best thing for them to hear is that you love them. The best comfort to me was when I heard this "I don't know the pain that you're going through, but please know that I love you". Don't try to pretend you know what they are going through. Don't tell them that they are going to have a healthy baby soon. Don't smother them with calls, messages and words. Just tell them that you love them and say a prayer. Sometimes the simplest response is the most comforting.