What A Difference A Year Makes

One year ago today we went to our OB for a follow-up appointment. We were excited to see the baby and hear the heartbeat again. As the doctor and I chatted about my queasiness, the baby's image flashed on the screen. But there was no movement, no heartbeat or fetal blood flow. A second doctor came and reached the same result. Then the walls came crashing around us - we were told that our baby was no longer living. The heartbreak was unbearable.

And so one of the longest journey of my life started. Unbearable heartache, constant questions and rivers of tears caused me to dig deep within myself just to survive. Steve was my rock - an amazing source of strength when he was also grieving. Close friends provided entertainment for Julia, prayers and meals. Did they help? Tremendously. Did they fill the void? No. Only time was able to do that.

As I started to leave the comfort of my house in the following weeks; I would be reduced to tears when I saw a baby, pregnant woman or a box of diapers. I worked thru the 'stages of grief' and tried not to blame myself. That was so much easier to say then to actually do. I also became keenly aware of the things in my life that shouldn't be there. I purged, I cried, I surrounded myself with those who I love and who really love me...and I became a stronger person.

On November 14 we took a pregnancy test (two, actually) and received a positive result. Of course I was excited but I was also terrified. But I trust in God that what was meant to be, would be. As I said before, this baby has the best guardian angel - ever.

It's a year later and we're at week 15 of our pregnancy. Everything is going well, but I'm still cautious. And I'm also aware that I may be the cause of another woman's heartache because I am expecting something that she either lost or cannot have. It's a strange tightrope to walk on. But God doesn't give us what we can't handle, right?

On a side note - if this ever happens to someone you know and you don't know what to say, it's okay. Sometimes the best thing for them to hear is that you love them. The best comfort to me was when I heard this "I don't know the pain that you're going through, but please know that I love you". Don't try to pretend you know what they are going through. Don't tell them that they are going to have a healthy baby soon. Don't smother them with calls, messages and words. Just tell them that you love them and say a prayer. Sometimes the simplest response is the most comforting.

Just Call Me Flipper

Last Wednesday we had our genetics counseling appointment. Nothing alarming, just a routine check for any abnormalities. Of course, my nerves were a mess before the appointment. However they were quickly calmed after we walked into the waiting area. Smack in the middle of the room was a 150 gallon salt water fish tank complete with the entire cast of 'Finding Nemo'! While we waited we watched two blue tangs (Dory) swim around. My nerves went away and I even laughed a bit as Steve and I watched several crabs stand on their heads.

After I gave some blood (where was the aquarium then!?), it came time for the sonogram. This is the first time since our 8 week appt that we were able to see the little one. Steve and I both smiled as our baby's image appeared on the screen. It is always so neat to see the little ones in the first trimester, especially when you can't feel them yet. Then came the really amusing part...

Although the nurse found s/he right off the bat, it wasn't for long! After a few seconds of seeing their profile, the baby completely flipped around and showed us the butt! The nurse tried again - the baby flipped again. She goes "Wow, this one doesn't want to be bothered by me! Stop poking! I'm sleeping!" (Our nurse was Russian, so this was said with an accent - she was so funny!)

The last few minutes of the sonogram the baby was flipping and kicking and waving like crazy. Not cooperating...but it gave us more time to watch it as the nurse tried to get the info she needed. Steve and I chuckled a couple of times when it would give us a good profile, then flip their back to us...as if mooning us. Although I couldn't feel it, I have a feeling I definitely will in the coming months! Thankfully she was able to get the measurements and pics we needed.

Here are some of the pics they were able to snap during the sonogram:

Here the baby is face-up; profile is on the right -

Here the baby is face-down; profile on the right but this was taken in mid-flip. You can see an arm and leg (bent) in this one -

Yesterday we received a phone call from the office saying that my blood tests looked wonderful. Paired with the good measurements, no signs of excess fluid in the spine and good skull structure; we should have a very healthy Haney in July. And by the high activity level; it looks like s/he is taking after their big sister! (Help!?)

There's Another Haney on the Way!

That's right, the newest Haney will make their debut in July. The exact due date is July 26; but since Julia was 3 weeks early...we'll just say July :)

Here's the little one's first photo taken on Dec 15 at our 8 week appt -

You can see its little arm buds waving, or as Uncle Eric said "It's already flashing gang signs!"

Today was our 12 week appointment and we heard the heartbeat again (unfortunately, they had some issues finding it and that made me completely panic) but didn't get to see the little one. However, after a check-up, everything seems to be going well! Yay!

The past few weeks have literally been hell on earth for me. I haven't been able to eat (except jello, gatorade, toast and saltines...yum!) and have been violently ill all day. I've lost 8 lbs in the past month! Drugs did take the edge off of it at times and they help to keep me vertical during the day when I'm home alone with Julia. Steve has been a saint doing all of the housework, as well as dealing with a job move. Love you, babe!

Thankfully the past few days I have been able to eat tiny bits of 'real' food. But I still cannot be around cooking food or people who are eating it. This has made it very hard on Julia who is used to family dinners at the table. While Steve makes dinner I hide in our bedroom. Not very nice :(

Of course, the weeks leading up the the first appointment were very hard on my soul. Although I was so happy with our 'positive test', I was terrified that we would miscarry again. I am very thankful for such an amazing husband, supportive friends and the wonderful OB practice that I go to. Our 8 week visit was very positive and the doctor completely understood my nerves. It was so refreshing to have them not sweep the miscarriage under the rug. And I have to smile when I think that our new baby has the best guardian angel ever.

Julia doesn't officially know yet but we have a feeling that she knows something is going on. And she keeps telling me that I'm going to hatch soon (but that may be because of the Dinosaur Train). Since her concept of time is interesting to say the least, we'll most likely tell her closer to July. For goodness sakes the girl thinks that Santa is coming again next week!

That's all for now...I need a nap :)