How Long Will I Slide?

For the past few weeks I've been sliding backwards on the road of life. It didn't matter if I reached out for something to stop this reverse tumble. My hand would end-up empty and I would continue to slide.

It all started when I was asked "What would you do if at one point in her life, Julia stops all communication with you?" It took a moment to digest the thought. My heart broke at the fleeting thought of never being able to hug or talk to her again. The question stemmed from my current state with my family. Truthfully, my life has been so much better now that we have no contact. I slowly answered...pausing between sentences to make sure the words came out right.

I would be terribly sad, I would wonder and ask why. But because I love my daughter for who she is, even if I don't like her at times, I would hope that it would never come to that. Even though she's a preschooler I respect who she is. Every day I tell her I love her. When she does something that makes me proud, I tell her. Much more than I ever received. I never want to lose contact with Julia. But because I'm working right now to keep our communication lines open - I believe I've started the building blocks for a sturdy relationship. Now I'm not saying that it will be perfect. But I believe we'll be okay.

That question made me think. It made me question me as a Mom. Bad memories were stirred. And a little peace of mind came out - I think I'm doing okay. (Since then I was asked to think about my relationship with my family...which I don't want to...but I have to in order to find a little bit of peace. URGH.)

Then I was asked another question that rocked me to my core. I was asked when I was going to find out the sex of our baby. I wanted to run. I wanted to hide. I felt sick.

Unfortunately I wasn't able to leave the situation. Fortunately I really like the person that asked the question, so I wasn't mad at her. Unfortunately, they hadn't heard that I had lost the baby.

For a few days I was a basketcase. My heart felt like someone had ripped off a bandaid that was permanently stuck to it. I was trying to be strong for my little girl. But I must admit that I didn't do a good job at times. My soul was under an emotional assault and had lost its armour. One of the sticking points about my miscarriage is that I did not know the sex of the baby. Sometimes I feel that I cannot mourn properly because I cannot place a name on the baby. But then again, it may hurt more.

Right now I'm at the home where I grew-up. Not necessarily my childhood home, but the home where I have most of my happy memories. Where I learned that I was a unique individual, to respect myself and about family love. I'm watching my daughter enjoy her Grammy, Grampy and Uncle Eric. Now she's making her own memories. It's such a neat experience.

This visit is just a small step on my healing road. I've slid backwards for a couple of weeks but now it's time to move forward. I just hope I'm done sliding for just a little while.